So, I think people should take the time to stop jumping to conclusions. I hope that people take the time to really understand a certain situation rather than make scenarios in their heads, which will ONLY drive them insane.

I wish people would really stop and take a look at the lives of others before they took a leap into the deep end and starting making accusations like they are so sure they are right.

Because this time, unfortunately, your not.

If you knew, if you took the time to understand ME and what I think of the situation, of you, of him of everything – you’d SURELY know that you are jumping to more than conclusions and driving yourself to insanity. There is nothing you are doing that is helping you, in any sort of way.

Even finding this blog, however you did, destroyed you and your mind – because now you think that there is something more than JUST  a friendship going on here. I actually pity and reaaaaally feel sorry for you, for the mere fact that you haven’t found a valuable friendship, that I have with him. Instead of resenting me and feeling I’m being ‘inappropriate’ understand what it’s like.

I never took a step over the line. I held respect in the highest and whatever what said TO me, what something that I could not prevent from happening.

If you honestly feel I am a threat, you need to start looking within Melbourne. Start pointing fingers there, because – I didn’t think I could do anything a different country, let alone continent.

I’m sorry the person you love and who I’ve known for almost 7 years now, is the same person. But I can’t fight history nor can I erase the past.

I’m just really angry. Everything will be okay – and I’m sorry for blogging this, but I’m furious & disappointed.

We’ve all let this go for far too long. We’re going to end up hating and subconsciously resenting each other. We’re smart enough to know one another well enough to know what we all want. I have more respect for you all, let alone myself to cause trouble or start an argument. I have too much ambition to turn around and let you get what you want for ME. So this is it.

I’m not going to be sad, bitter or unhappy anymore. I’m just gonna let it all go.

Thank you for your friendship and goodbye for the final time. I know I’ll see you very soon and perhaps things will be okay again – for the meantime, we all need to go our separate ways. All get on with our lives and worry about the things that we need to. Life moves too fast to allow little things to weigh you down. We are too busy to worry about certain things and people and have unknowingly created a priorities list in which we have clearly numbered items/people.

I was sad and I used to care. But I’ve realized that sometimes change and seperation happens for the better. Sometimes this is a way to create independence and shape me as a person solely.

I’ll be okay – I’ve learnt how to mend without any help now. I’m good better on my own.

I’ve always been okay on my own, so, until we meet again, I guess.

And I know you’re going somewhere to make a better life,I hope that you find it on the first try. And even though it kills me
that you have to g. 
I know it’ll be sadder if you never hit the road -
So farewell.
Somebody is gonna miss you. Farewell
-Somebody is gonna wish that you were here..

…That somebody is me.

I will write to tell you what’s going on
but you won’t miss nothing but the same old song. If you don’t mind catching up,
I’ll spend the day telling you stories about a land far away.”

This year has been one rollercoaster ride for me. Starting in March, I took a leap of faith and began my journey on the road to something I’ve always wanted.

Now, almost 10 months later, I can whole-heartedly say that I’m reaping a lot of the rewards that came with my sacrifices.

Some people cannot even begin to fathom the intensity of leaving your entire life behind – giving the final look, before boarding that plane; then saying goodbye, with tears streaming down your face. Saying goodbye is never an easy thing but being able to stand and look back on the year that was, I know that it was all worth it.

Though, in saying all of this – leaving, broke my heart. I knew that I would be able to face the world on my own. I knew that this decision to move to Manila, would be trialling but at the same time, I knew that whatever sacrifices I had to make, whatever decisions that I was faced with were all apart of a ‘bigger picture.’

Every single day I’m faced with new culture, new people, new friends, new lifestyles – something that I would never be able to learn staying in Melbourne.

Speaking of which, ‘Melbourne.’ It will always hold a special, fond and extremely priceless position in my past – correct, past. It’s not somewhere I’m ready to come back to, YET. Melbourne is home but right now, it’s not.

I’ve lost the most important things to me back home. I never thought this day would come. I knew of course it was a possibility – but I am a person of faith. In important people in my life, I hold them in such high regard, I make sure that they know how much I love and care about them and the amount of respect that I do have for them – this time, I guess, I was wrong. I didn’t think it could come to a point like this but yet again, anything, anything, anything – is possible. And no one in this world can prevent anything destructive from happening, it’s just a mere way of life.

So, 2011 – you’ve been such a blessed year. You’ve taught me so much about the minor and major things in life. You’ve given me such perspective on people and especially myself. My capabilities and the strength I truly have within me. So goodbye 2011, I’ll forever hold a place for you in my heart, you moulded me.

BUT, bring on 2012 – this year, is dedicated to TWENTYONE, persistence, working EXTREMELY hard, faith, love, family, friendship & most of all MY dreams and aspirations. 2012, for me, is the year to make it – can’t wait to meet you

Will I become just a fact or figure, a mere person from their past? Someone they used to know? A simple statistic that measures how much you USED to care about someone. Or possibly a number to add to the list of people who are non-existent in their lives.

Though, in all honesty – having full knowledge of this and letting it sink in my heart and come to terms with it, allows me to focus more soley on my future and what I want from it; which brings me to my next point – Boredom. I am so bored. I want more out of life and I don’t want to sit here and wait for it. I don’t want it to fall into my lap, nor do I want to pass it by chance or luck. I want to work and work hard and get somewhere fast. I want to work my way to the top and not stop until I pass the peak. I want to conquer, soar and fly beyond anything I’ve ever done before – better than that, beyond anyone before me. I want to set history. I want to be idolized. I want to be everywhere. I want to be a success story that everyone feels inspired by. I want to remind people that no matter what it is in life, there is always a way you can achieve anything you want, no matter who you are. But more than that, I want to be remembered – not someone who merely existed. I want to change lives, in whatever way it may be – my own way.

I realized that I’m still that same old me, that same old girl that can do everything on her own. The girl that knows exactly how to eliminate any worry in the world that may come her way. That’s the most rewarding thing about my time here. That the more I stay here, the more I learn about myself and everything surrounding me. The more I’m here, the more confirmation I get from the doubts I had. With each day, I’m more in tune with all the elements of myself, physically, mentally, emotionally. Truth be told, I really shouldn’t doubt myself as much as I do. It just seems so hard considering I’m so, so used to having my support system and having the reassurance that I’m more than I think I am.

There is always something old and always something new in every single person. We all latch on to something from the past, whatever it may be; memory, person, personality, habit  – good or bad, we all have something that journey’s with us into the future. I’m glad that I can say that my strength still remains the same and lucky enough for me, it only grows stronger, day-by-day.

To all readers, have an amazing day xxxxxxxxxx

Some days you’ll watch or witness something happening to someone close to you and you’re giving the person advice. Helping them through what they would feel as their life falling apart and you suddenly take a step back and think, “Wow, I’ve been through this.” And hopefully you’ve come out on top. Life is a funny thing and no matter what it throws at you, it’s all up to you to supply yourself with the materials and get over whatever it may be that lies in your way. In life, no matter what you think or feel, you are the only obstacle standing in the way of happiness. When you make the fatal decision in sinking and making yourself comfortable in your misery, that’s when you can call ‘game over.’ When you make the right decision in standing up and soldiering on and keeping that head up, is the moment nothing comes knocking at your door – life become scared of you.
It’s only until something stops you and really hits you with all it’s might that you begin to consider what you’re feeling or facing. Ideally that’s what people like, because it’s not until a problem really hits them hard that they notice there was a problem. For me, I like to think about everything I’ve been through. I like to remember who was there to help me along the way and who was there to remind me constantly how blessed and strong I am.

Anything can remind me how blessed I am and how truly amazing and special I am as a person and as a result of things I’ve accomplished, my life is now. You could’ve asked me years back, if my life was worth living, if it’s amazing, if I’m blessed or lucky and I would’ve just said “Yeah you know, it’s okay – would rather be famous and have millions of dollars.” But it wasn’t until I was faced with more obstacles that really changed my way of thinking and way of life. I really began to stop taking people around me for granted because I realized that in one second, the people you love the most might not be there – for multiple reasons; they can’t take your negativity, your way of thinking, your life or the most tragic, because of death. The greatest barrier of them all. I always talk about the people in my life and the way they’ve shaped me because without them I’d never really notice how beautiful they are. They really stopped and made me think even if it was for a split second, but they made me re-evaluate what I honestly wanted from life and the people I kept in it.

It’s so true, you only really do live once and if you are EVER lucky and blessed enough for a new beginning and a new way to face your days, you should take it with two hands and hold on – because the moment that you accept the offer to be new and start over, life really begins. I never realized how much I neglected life. Everything in it. Love in general, friendships, family, my mother but my dreams but most importantly, myself. In 2005, I met this person on a completely random night which to this day, I don’t understand how he came into my life – but I guess that can branch off into multiple angles like ‘The Law of Attraction’ and ‘Fate’ – thing’s happening for reasons, but whatever it may be, whatever reason he came into my life that night – I’m really so glad he did. We’ve really had so much distance between us, in regards to kilometres. He lived in America, when he came home, we still had almost an hour drive between us and now I live in another country – so we’re back to the amazing distance between the two of us. The most amazing thing about the friendship that I have with him is that no matter how great the distance or the mere fact that I’ve seen him a maximum of 20 times in my life, I hold him so close to my heart. It honestly just shows me that with anyone, regardless of who you are – distance is only truly measured by the heart – kilometres and miles and countries and continents mean NOTHING if you love someone – in whatever way it may be.

This boy taught me more than he can ever imagine – I honestly don’t think he holds himself in high enough regard, truly – the things I’ve read that he’s written has just made me realize how special he really is. You may have grown up too fast and had to be the reliant male in the household but I can promise you that it hasn’t backfired on you and you should know that. You’ve been a perfect son to your mother and a perfect role model to your siblings and it’s quite evident from your little brother how much he truly idolizes you and how much he loves you. Sort of like me – I’ll never have to tell you what you mean to me, because it’s quite evident. I don’t have to speak to you everyday nor do I need to declare that you’re a big part of my life but you’ve taught me things I wouldn’t have cared about if I never met you.

“One thing that two people should always have between each other, no matter who they are, friends, lovers, siblings, mother and daughter, father and son – is respect. Without respect you have nothing.”

That’s what you taught me. And I’ll never forget it. I always preach it – I’m paying it forward. Because if there is one thing I can do for you, is pass the message you’ve taught me along. If I can teach one person what you’ve taught me, then I’m accomplishing more than I can ever imagine.

I’ve been caught up in the whole moving apartments, being busy clubbing, socialising and shopping to take a step back and re-connect myself with my writing. Silly me for neglecting what I’m truly good at.

But anyway, I finally am taking the time to gather my thoughts and over the month I’ve been living in Manila, a lot has happened that has made me take a step back and really decide to put it all into words. I won’t give you a re-collection but what I will do, is write like I always do.

So, in a dramatic conclusion to the past month, well in retrospective, these are accumulated thoughts that have been gathered over a year and a half. So here we go…

It’s been quite sometime now that I’ve been constantly thinking when someone will come along to completely change my life – sweep me of my feet and completely blow me away with everything they know about life, the world and themselves. What I was avoiding and somewhat running from is the fact that this person could be too good to be true. Which, I’ve found, was right. I listened and listened and others snuck their ear in too and genuinely thought that it was everything I’ve been looking for. And guess what, they were right. There it was sitting in front of me, clear as crystal – exactly what I was looking for. Yes, that’s correct. Was.

Because of course, for me – I’ll go through a million people who will have exactly what I’m looking for. The intelligence, the mental capabilities, emotionally connected and head space to make me so certain that I’m staring blankly at ‘The One.’ But then something happens to make me turn back and re-think things that I already know. I’m not used, well no, actually, I NEVER have had luck in that area and that’s been fine with me. I’m used to having to stick it out and wait around and really and truly SEE if these people are actually who I think they are. So that’s what I did. Sat and waited and did everything that I’m good at. It got to a point where I sat there and literally thought, hey, I think this is it – I think that this person is actually to my standard, I think that every doubt I’ve ever had of finding someone that’s got a similar brain space as me – that isn’t my friend or someone I hold in high regard.

That’s when it came to me, I have to stop giving people standards to reach. Well, as high as I set them. But how can I not? I’m surrounded by amazing people who could do no wrong. I mean, there is this automatic rating that I have that I have to set, because the people that I have in my life have set that standard for them. They have created this invisible bar that everyone has to attain and sadly – no one does. I guess it’s bad that I have this set scale for new people that want to enter my life but I just don’t like to set myself up for disappointment.

Maybe that’s why I haven’t found things I look for in people. Maybe that’s why I can’t really find what I’m truly looking for.

I guess it makes sense now that I’ve put it like that. But still, that bar just won’t come down. It’s going to be quite impossible for it to happen really. It’s going to take a lot of proving, convincing and truth for someone to be able to raise the bar.

Sep 20th, 2011: I think I’m staring at you, straight in the face. Tell me if I’m wrong, tell me if I’m right. All I want to know is the truth, all of you. Everything. I have nothing to hide anymore, nothing to lose – just disappointment, which I pray, this isn’t what it is.

There are some relatively okay things to forget; like, the time, names, dates, work, appointments, homework, books, notes, phones, meetings, interviews, birthdays, anniversaries, events and addresses – human error type of things, things you can’t really help day-to-day. Sometimes, there are things you just shouldn’t forget, things that can hurt or get you into trouble. Sometimes forgetting can be for the better, sometimes forgiving comes with forgetting and sometimes forgetting can turn not only your world around but someone else’s too.Forgetting something can start arguments or even prevent one from happening. Forgetting doesn’t come with age, nor does it target a specific age, gender or race – it’s as inevitable as time moving forward. It happens. Forgetting can mend you and your heart and help you emotionally. Forgetting can also make you lose memories that have happened so long ago that you wished you’d never forget. Forgetting can also get you into trouble.

Another type of forgetfulness that tears good things apart is the type where you forget who you truly are and forgetting your reality. Disowning reality and being stuck in a phase or a time-frame can ultimately destroy so many things. Euphoria and pure bliss can make you blind if you’re not careful. Being so indulgent and resistant to remember what your true world is like can result in forgetting so many things. Forgetting who you are and where you came from. Forgetting your morals and friends and what you stand up and believe in. It can destroy year and decade long friendships and relationships, by simply being too comfortable in the ‘bubble’ world you live in and refuse to exit. It makes us forget and eliminate all that isn’t in the bubble with us – why they there and how long they have been there for. Not to mention the lengths, depths and heights that they’ve been through just to make us happy. Forgetting your true self can make people forget too. Forget who they grew to love – the worst type of forgetting is the one where someone forgets you because you allowed it to happen. I’ve always wondered how people let it get to the point that they are months and perhaps years on, still curious as to how it all got like this. Still sitting puzzled thinking, “I let this happen.” Yes you did. The saddest part is that you only realized once it was too late. Why? Oh yes that saying again, “You never know what you’ve got until it’s gone.” Yep, we all got prior warning and yes it’s the most frequently used phrase in the world and I cannot even begin to fathom why people still let it get this far. Ah yes, that’s right “taking people for granted.” There it is again, a prior warning that every single human will always continue to do because that’s what we do best – take people for granted. Forgetting who we love, forgetting why we love them, forgetting to tell them we appreciate them, forgetting why they are in our lives, forgetting the lengths they’ve been to, forgetting who is number one and who comes second, forgetting that bubbles are made to be burst and most of all forgetting who we really are and why we made it this far. See, that’s what forgetting does in some very extreme cases.

Everyone has a forgetful bone in their body. That’s just the way humans work. We’re flawed beings that have errors that just cannot be defeated no matter how many reminders you set. As long as you don’t forget who you are, your friends and family and what you believe in – don’t forget your direction, your love, your reality and don’t ever forget where you came from, because where you came from is the road that got you exactly where you are. If you push aside people and things that got you this far, the forward journey is going to be almost impossible.

Always remember who got you where you are. Always remember who never left your side, who believed in you and never, ever judged you on your mistakes but instead accepted, embraced and loved you for all your flaws. Any decisions you made, they were there – hand in hand, encouraging you, believing you and everything you stood for having more than the utmost faith in you. Always remember that one person shouldn’t dictate your life, your mind and your way of reason. One person shouldn’t be able to destroy everything you’ve worked for and take away all your happiness from you. Always remember that when you had no one else to cry on, you had more shoulders offered to you than you can imagine. Always remember in the most shameful time of your life, when you hurt someone you loved – you still had them there to carry you. Remember in your times of weakness, who made you strong again. Never ever forget who carried you when you could never catch a break – when the carpet was repetitively pulled straight from under your feet and that sandglass just kept turning. Never forget who would embarrass themselves and jeopardise everything they have, put everything on the line and risk the biggest fall, in order to make everything okay for you. Always remember who would give you a home, if you couldn’t go to yours. But never, ever, ever forget who will love you if you have nothing to give, offer or repay them with, because they are the people that will never forget you.

The saddest thing is, they always seem to be the people who are always forgotten.

Question: When do you realize you’ve actually found something?
Is it in the moment where it takes your breath away? The moment you’re staring at it, eye to eye – nothing but you and the object, person or thing? Is it when you’re approaching it? Or perhaps when someone talks about it? Maybe it’s when it’s in your dreams, in that moment when you’ve finally touched and gained it. Maybe that’s what finding is. Maybe finding things that truly matter in your life only occur in dreams because they are simply “too good to be true.” Or perhaps, for all we know, we actually realize that we’ve found something in the final moments of it in our grasp -  or quite possibly when it’s beyond that. Too far to help, change or recover – Maybe we’ve actually found something, something too fragile for our hands that all we could do is watch it walk away.

What happens when you realize you’ve found something?
Are you happy? Sad? Angry? Confused? What is it? Is it what you’ve always dreamed of or is it everything you wished would never come? Are you disappointed in it – because it’s nothing like you always dreamed? Do you celebrate because of your excitement and happiness? Do you open a bottle of champagne because you never thought this day would come? What do you do if it’s not what you wanted? What happens then? Do you turn away and go back to where you came from? Is that what you do? Or do you fight for what you believe in and just keep on pushing? Do you resort to giving up and saying goodbye to all your hopes?

All I can say is, I think I’ve found something, well not yet – it existed in my dreams – but my heart refuses for it to live only inside me – so I’m making it come alive. Maybe that’s when I’ll truly find it but I’ll let you know.

You never ever really think finding something, or, initially, receiving something so small in life, is really worthwhile. We always seem to turn a blind eye to the most important things in life. But I guess, that’s all a part of “taking things for granted” and somehow finally realizing that you shouldn’t have. Sometimes we over-analyse how important something is to us and sometimes we under-estimate the actual worth and importance one thing could actually be to you. One thing I’ve learnt is that, when something special, something so, so, out-of-the-blue comes along, it always going to come back around and surprise you. You always seem to look back and think “Where did that come from?” “How in the world did that happen?” It’s those moments that you always sit back and think, “Wow.” These are the moments that always come with a sigh of relief or a sigh of astonishment. They are the moments that take your breath away. You’ll either smile or frown upon the memories created – something inevitable.

I think I’ve found something whilst being here.

I always knew I was lucky back home. I had finally realized what sort of people I surround myself with, personally, highlighted my strengths and why I am the way I am. It’s partially because of them and I believe they deserve all the credit in the world.
Having left some of the most unique and utterly amazing people back home, I’ve had to depend on myself for all my thoughts. I haven’t sat down and had genuine, lengthy talks with the people who I usually do, since I’ve left. Sure, I’ve spoken to them in length and sure we’ve had some good conversation but it’s not the same. We’re not face-to-face and my emotion, feeling and concern isn’t really conveyed like it usually was. There is no body language. So I’ve been having one-way conversations with myself, answering my own questions. It’s like I’m talking to a computer screen – oh wait, I have been doing that. It’s so difficult with all this distance. It’s hard because I have left behind such a tight-knit group. It’s difficult because we’re not communicating like we used to. Our conversations that spanned for hours upon end, every single night has been turned into, perhaps, one hour conversations which happen every month, if that. We can’t keep up with each other because we’re busy living life – it’s just a part of this thing that we do day-to-day that we can’t beat. When something important happens or when something is said, you always think “OH! I have to tell her that next time I speak to her.” And that’s exactly right, but who knows when the next time you’ll speak to her is. You don’t. So you have it replaying in the back of your mind, but in that week, something else happens and you think the same thing and totally forget the other important thing that you were supposed to say! It’s just a part of life. I knew all this was going to happen and believe me, it’s been an extremely long time coming in my mind that I’ll have to come to terms with it and accept it and so I have. It’s really hard and I’m not complaining, simply conveying. It’s something I’ve found. Not necessarily something that’s a blessing or a gift or any of that, it’s more, how to say – something I’ve experienced and adapted to that I’m proud of, because I know how many people couldn’t do such a thing if they were in my position. It’s not saying goodbye to our friendship at all, it’s far from it – it’s finding. Finding a different level of friendship between me and my girlfriends that makes me more than happy, because not many people can hold friendships like these.

Although in stabilizing and recognizing my friendships, I’ve finally cleansed myself of all things that deteriorate my positive energy and I’m slowly gaining everything again. I know that taking certain things out of my life, especially people, is going to be a hard, hard thing to so many to understand. But I guess I have to stop worrying about that. Stop worrying about the little things in life and start focusing on the bigger picture. After all I’m here & I’m alone. The place where I’ve always wanted to be, so why I am holding back? I know I’ve found my feet again and I know that I’ve got the courage and determination to be able to delete all this bad energy in my life. I’ve just got to tell myself, time and time again that I’m doing this for the right reasons – which deep, deep inside, I know I am and honestly, have never really forgotten it.

In saying that, I have began to do so – and even though initially it brought so much drama and I spent countless hours wishing I could take back my words, I stood my ground because I knew it was the right thing to do. I know no one will ever understand but sometimes I just can’t make people understand what I’m doing.